Kevin Baldwin (Author)
Place: The Town of Millborough
3M, 5W, EXTRAS
Keith Bixby is a lead actor in a community theatre’s dramatic play production being directed by former film and Broadway theatre director, Frances Goldstein. Mr. Goldstein is an eccentric alcoholic who has watched his career go so far down the tubes that he is relegated to direct this little show. However, he is interested in bringing the show and Keith to Broadway, in hopes it will signal the revival of his career.
Keith is in the middle of a divorce and certainly could use the big break himself. At his one-room apartment, Keith has a tryst with Lynda, one of the chorus girls in the show. Lynda also happens to be Goldstein’s not-yet-seventeen-year-old-albeit-extremely-sexually-active daughter.
Through a sexual mishap, Keith loses his musical wrist-watch inside Lynda’s pelvic region. The watch is an unusual piece purchased by Megan, Keith’s now-estranged wife, at Disney World on their honeymoon.
Every half-hour it plays a segment of “It’s A Small World”. At the moment of discovery, as Keith tries to get the watch out of Lynda, he hears the doorbell ring. He hides Lynda in the bathroom and opens the door. It is Megan, who has come to talk Keith into a reconciliation. Then, Mr. Goldstein also shows up, inebriated, followed by three actresses from the show. They’ve gathered for a special line rehearsal. Keith has now hidden Lynda in the couch, covered by some pillows.
During the course of the rehearsal, the watch breaks and keeps going off again, playing music, and again every few minutes, it causes Lynda to squeal in both ecstasy and pain. Bonnie, the producer and one of the actresses, mentions that she also has a similar watch which plays “Bella Notte”.
Lynda cannot take the pain anymore, the sofa gets opened, and Lynda falls out in her underwear experiencing extremely painful cramps. As the truth unfolds, Megan swears she will never take Keith back. Goldstein also fires him from the show and everybody rushes Lynda to the Emergency Room at the local hospital.
During Act One, Scene Two, at the hospital, Lynda has the watch removed, Keith and Megan reconcile, and Mr. Goldstein re-hires Keith, and this makes the other three cast members, Bonnie, Amy and Mindy, very happy. This ends Act Two, Scene One.
During Act One, Scene Three, we see the actual play being performed with everybody in their respective roles. In the middle of a line, we hear “Bella Notte” coming from Lynda’s general direction. It’s not her this time. Everybody then looks at Bonnie as the lights fade.
(WARNING: Contains strong adult content and language)
"WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?”
A Sexual Farce in One Act
KEITH BIXBY – Community theatre performer, handsome, 35-45 years-old
LYNDA – Chorus girl, Director’s daughter, attractive, not quite 18 years-old – partial nudity required
MEGAN BIXBY – Keith’s estranged wife, 30-35 years-old.
FRANCES GOLDSTEIN – Washed-up, eccentric, alcoholic director, 50-60
BONNIE – Actress and Producer of the community show, 30-ish trampy redhead
AMY – Actress, 30-ish ditzy blonde
MINDY –Actress, 30-ish crass & sarcastic brunette
DOCTOR – Emergency Room Resident, 25-40 years-old
EXTRAS – For final scene, cast as needed.
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